theodicy.

I'm reading this article for Christology (actually, it's the first chapter out of a book) that is particularly poignant for me right now.

The book is entitled Tragic Vision & Divine Compassion: A Contemporary Theodicy, and the name of the chapter is Tragedy, Suffering, and the Problem of Evil. It pushes me to the edge. It brings to mind a conversation I had in Philly (which, actually, was the product of a conversation I had several months ago), in which we discussed the the nature of suffering and, simultaneously, the inability we have to "walk in someone else's shoes." It all began when Michael shared stories and endless insurance-related facts all relating to his post-Katrina life. Time and again, I hear--we all hear--that one cannot even begin to appreciate the destruction without seeing it first hand. Even then, it becomes at once more and less clear what the magnitude of the hurricane--wait, no--the levee breaches--actually was.

It is really painful to know that someone is suffering, to want to do something about it, but to never be able to truly understand that person's condition. Naturally, no one will ever understand the conditions of someone else in their entirety--even spouses don't experience every last thing together, or, at least, didn't for the first 20some years of life.

I haven't yet completed this reading, but there are already several quotes that stand out and cause me to really think. For example:

"The phenomenon of human suffering continues to bleed thorugh the explanations that attempt to account for it...Hopes in future vindication do not make hunger, racism, war, and oppression theologically irrelevant."

"But justice cannot tolerate a cosmic harmony whose edifice is maintained on the unavenged tears of tormented children."

"Without denying the legitimacy of eschatological hopes, theology must seek a historical response to evil. Otherwise, consolation and hope may degenerate into excuses for remaining passive or indifferent in the face of radical suffering and injustice."

In the words of Josh Snyder, this stuff is pretty "heavy."

But I think there's another problem with which I'm trying to deal in trying to understand the age old question of why bad things happen to good people...I need to figure out what my motivation is for being helpful...for wanting change to occur, for having this drive to eradicate "evil" in all of its forms from existence (despite the fact that many of those forms are altogether uncontrollable).

Of course I want to truly be helpful, of course I don't want to see people constantly in the thick of suffering and despair. But how often do I do things to feel better about myself? To possibly get just a little bit of attention from someone who I'd like to impress? I don't think that I'm concerned with meeting a "quota" or anything like that, but I do know that sometimes, it is all about me, whether or not it should be.

I think I just need to get over myself.

Last year, I made a goal for myself--I wanted to do at least one thing every week that was a truly "good" deed--something that took me out of my comfort zone, even--and that made a positive difference in someone's life...but the challenge was, I was never allowed to tell anyone that I had done it. I'm not going to discuss the success of this quest, but rather, I think that it was really a good thing for me. If I'm honest, after all, then of course I love to be the center of attention. Of course I love for people to call to attention my good deeds or my talents or my intelligence or whatever. But it's not all about me, even when I want it to be.

And, when it all comes down to it, that stuff doesn't necessarily matter.

Michael's intelligence and sense of humor didn't keep his house from being destroyed in the hurricane.

Mom's unbelievable singing ability and enviable organization skills didn't prevent her cancer.

My Coach bags, trendy new glasses, cell phone, or even my cat blankie--my prized possession of 24 years--none of this stuff is going to save me either. Nor will the 12 committees that I'm on. The gpa. The Christmas cards that I've been dutifully filling out since coming back after Thanksgiving. It's all trite. It's all silly. It's all expendable.

My mind is racing right now. I want to stop writing and try to catch up.

Bye. :0)