Huh?

Did you know that I have lived in the city of Pittsburgh for a year and a half and have only recently learned that I never knew which state it was in which I live?

That's right. You see, I was under the (sorely misguided) impression that I live in Pennsylvania. In actuality, I live in Pennsuwwwhvania.

Yes, Pennsuwwwhvania, land of Iron City and Yueing Ling beers, offroad courses that they try to pass off as "highways" (err...excuse me, "parkways"), "buggies" instead of grocery carts, and, of course, those blasted Steewers.

Ah, yes, Pittsburgh is quite an interesting place. Mullet (muhwet) hunters aren't people who go around in search of mullets to amuse themselves. They're actually people who hunt. And have mullets.

And the things people say in this city. The letter "L" doesn't exist. Come to think of it, there are several letters that seem to be dropped in casual conversation. Let me create a typical Pittsburgh conversation (there will be a Northeast Ohio/The Rest of The World translation following):

Me: Hey [insert Pittsburgher's name here], are you going to watch the Browns/Steelers game on Christmas Eve?

Pittsburgher: Weaowh, I'ow see the first haaaalf for sure, but I have tickets to see the bawwet tonaught'n'at. How 'bout yins guys? Err youze guys goin watch the Steewers beat your Cwevewand Browns?

Me: Actually, I think the Browns could pull off a win--just you wait. Or, if not, it will only be because the Browns are wisely opting for a higher draft pick!

Pittsburgher: Oh reawhwey? Yinze guys over der in Cwevewand don't have a chance cause yinz river caught on fire. [chuckle chuckle snort snort]

Me: Huh...Interesting. What does a fire that happened well before I was born have to do with anything?

Pittsburgher: Uh...weww, Myron Cope towd everyone that it burned and that's reawhwey funny to us.

Me: Great. Myron. Oh well...Go Browns and Merry Christmas!




***The translation will only include the lines of the Pittsburgher, as I'm quite sure you could understand what I was saying:***

1. "Well, I'll see the first half for sure, but I have tickets to the ballet tonight and that. How about you guys? Are you guys going to watch the Steelers beat your Cleveland Browns?"

--> I should here note that "and that" is an expression of extreme superfluity that is used here in Pittsburgh. It is extremely annoying and I cringe when it ends a sentence. Usually, if it creeps into one sentence, one can plan to hear it in 75% of the sentences that follow.

2. "Oh really? You guys over there in Cleveland don't have a chance because you're river caught on fire."

3. "Uh, well, Myron Cope told everyone that it burned, and that's really funny to us."

--> And now, I will venture to explain to you the local "legend", Myron Cope. Myron Cope was a Steelers announcer on the radio for years--this is the first year he has not filled that role. Even locals will readily admit that, for the better majority of his time over the air, Myron was drunk. Possessing the voice of Gilbert Godfrey, the vernacular of a true Pittsburgher (see above), the stamina of a distance runner, and the intellect of Gilligan (i.e. Gilligan's Island), Myron is one of the most obnoxious radio personalities EVER. And, it's true, there are countless individuals who would watch Steelers games on mute and listen to Myron on the radio simultaneously. It's sick, really.

Anyway, I have Christmas decorations to put up and dinner to make and vegging out in which to take part. Bye :0)